PARODY OF ERRORS

More Dilema

2010-06-18T00:21:00.002+06:00

I have decided what it is going to be
the path is clear
leave the shadows behind

will i be able to.. time will tell

l'etranger

2010-02-14T23:58:00.000+06:00

hey stranger
what is it between you and me?

nothing at all
a void, a few murdered moments
the air befouled
exhaled out, sucked in

hey stranger
a few moments will you perhaps remember?

no not at all
there is nothing to treasure
in dusty glass bottles we store
spoilt pickle memories
fuming, rancid histories

hey stranger
so what is it you would want from me?

a little soul wasted
warm blood tasted
in the sinful wilderness
won't you dance free?

Long time

2009-12-10T23:36:00.003+06:00

for more than a year i wasted myself
i stopped doing the things i liked
i didn't write anything forget about publishing
i did not read even a single book ... the lone book i started never got finished ..
i stopped playing.. lived like a hog.. slept with marred dreams.. disinterested.. dis illusoned
time was standstill, as if the hourglass was broken . and now as i write, words fail me, logic defies me, reason has lost me and i go back again in trance hallucinating about what could have and what can never be
but
i am glad to live all over again
PS: sorry keats the last line i stole from you

:O

2009-01-09T16:28:00.002+06:00

So the CAT scores are out . the most highly awaited result of my life till now. i thought i had fared pretty well but alas! why do the results come out ?
why does it always have to be me ?
i sure have lost my creativity a big mental block had found its its place safely nestled between my brain and spinal chord, So what's my percentile well 92.6 bad with 78 in english i was born to be doomed. Another big question is now looming what next? which college will accept me? i have a job yes, but with the fall of satyam a tsunami of IT professionals is going to flood the market who will seek out the freshers. i find it hard to belive that a job can be promised these days
true there is no point crying over spilled beans and i shall not anymore, its 6 hours already since i have seen the result, my best friend got 99.47 she has now calls from IIM -a,-b, -c, -k i am so happy for her but only if i can show it . another lesson learnt
attitude and arrogance comes from perfomance, you don't perform bloody well shut up there is no place for loosers
till the second sunday of november

The Forgotten Birthday

2008-12-31T23:59:00.002+06:00

the last day of the year is gone and five of them did not even wish me :( sad 4 of them said they have forgotten and yet awaiting what the fifth would say.
looking back at the year 2008 it was a very tough year from the first day till the last nothing was easy, it was a bitter battle at every step but it did teach me a very important lesson nothing is easy in my life from work to exams to relationships. Standing at the brink of a new year which is yet to prove its decisiveness in my life I will rush out to meet it head-on
greeting!!

nemesis

2008-10-23T22:51:00.001+06:00

she doesn't realize so much has changed, if she thinks she doesn't give a fuck then my dear lady i don't give a damn

A Drug Addict's tale

2008-07-02T19:58:00.002+06:00

yes i am a drug addict

but i wasn't born one, i became one as the circumstances around me forged a web which i could not escape how much i tried i just could not run away from it rather the more i tried the deeper i was stuck in it.

20 years ago
it started when i was in college the first year alone in the hostel away from the warmth of home away from the love and affection of my loved ones i was so lonely and desperate trying to make new friends in a new world, in a world where i had problems with people i could not find true friends, i was hurt desperately in search of love , i was a good student in school but those decisive few months in college saw me in a company where i started from cigrattes and with time i graduated from it to marijuana to brown sugar to cocaine. when i was doing it i escaped from the harsh realities of the cruel world i spun a web completely imaginary around me where i was happy. i saw everywhere around me the people who were high on it, i met people who did it which further led me believe that everyone does it, it's no big deal. I was trying to inveigle myself to believe its right a way of life. I knew it was killing me from inside, i was becoming a hollow man i was killing myself but give in to age just out of my teens it felt so right. some of the friends i made tried to make me realize its wrong, but since when did i start listening to them i just turned a blind eye and a damaged ear to them, let them blabber its not their life and no one decides for me but me I felt invincible the world was at my doorsteps.

present day
i could have achieved what not but not now after being a habitual user for 20 years i am drained. my once handsome face is now just a shadow of what it used to be, my pupils have become so diluted that i need dark glasses even in slight light, i have asthma and lung cancer. the last visit to my doctor and he said bluntly "you don't have much years man" and the world crumbled at my face. At 37 i am a dead man. i can't stop hating myself anymore for destroying my own life for which no one else is responsible but me. my family disowned me , my friends distanced themselves from me and even the love of my life left me but here i am with a syringe in my hand puncturing a defeated nerve i have got to try meta amphetamine , i have heard the hallucinations last for hours
only if i could beat death even at its doorsteps
will my grave accept me now..... i wonder who will hold a memorial for me ..... slowly the familiar dreams are engulfing me as i move away from the reality to the abject world my world .......

of course

2008-05-18T00:46:00.002+06:00

of course i love you i have loved you since forever since i knew i was a guy
i have loved you the moment you re entered my life perhaps not in the truest sense one could say but i have been in love with your memory at least those few times which we had spent together and now after 6 months of re knowing you have ascertained the fact. i know it for certain for what it is.
i know you have never felt it that way and the way you laughed at it when i was about to say it but hell its the truth perhaps i would say the exact same phrase rather i will say it i know its just a matter of time..... rejection if it is i don't mind but i have to spell it out i have to say i have to use the power of words i have to for i have lived too long believing silence is golden and its about time i broke it. i know you would never like a guy like me. i know to be precise you would never fall for a guy like me perhaps i am too mature for you perhaps i am half inch smaller than you perhaps i fall in the category of nice kids whom you are ok to be friends with but a relationship you got to be kidding ........ perhaps i have never been in a serious relationship before perhaps i still don't know how to court a girl... it all sums to immaturity... perhaps i am struggling to find my path in this wayward world perhaps i don't have enough money to spend perhaps i can't buy you expensive gifts, keeping all these aside i can try its what experience teaches you it is something you are not born with but something you learn from life. I know i can't be the man from mills and boons so many girls drool over 'sweep you off your feet' but it does not deter me from expressing my feelings........ so with these thoughts i wander in my own dreams
its a battle against time
I know what your answer is going to be, nevertheless I hope....... I dream and no body can take this from me

quote misquote

2008-05-02T16:21:00.004+06:00

in conversation with hugh askton and dagny taggart , he said " fire a dangerous force tamed at man's finger tips" while referring to that $ brand cigarette.
sorry Mr. akston it is that 6 inches is what which has tamed man it slowly consumes him from within while ebbing the illusion of ecstasy the pleasure which he derives from it , is actually his death warrant believe it or not , accept it or not its the truth.
yet...

...

2008-03-11T23:29:00.000+06:00

the room was hazy with smoke and he occupied the solitary chair. the lights were out he was contemplating whether he liked darkness or let the light simmer the room. the ash tray was lying on the table filled with contempt as ash grazed its boundaries. He always wanted to be sure of himself,
always wanted to know what was happening in his life,
and how dare things got out of control but they did and this is what brought him to the solace of 2 pack, sit and think something he had long forgotten to do in this impeccable world. his thoughts wandered to the last few days with the memories dancing before his eyes only if he had understood their significance in time .... alas! life is never fair it always screws you when you least expect it.
he had to make THE decision of his life her or career for neither can survive other. one has to be sacrificed at the alter of life.
the memories flashed before him making it even more difficult for him to choose his brain was faltering him, never in his life he was an emotional fool (as he called them) but stakes have reversed now he has become one of them. his work gave him so much joy when he worked, he worked the world lay at his doorsteps people ceased to matter nothing could come between him and his brains put on paper he was so content until she happened that's life he kept telling himself but within he knew what havoc it was creating. ignorance is bliss someone said .
he had never gone against his ego he had never compromised on himself he had never uttered a word of regret he had never rendered an apology for there was no desire there was no need of company, perhaps he was a loner perhaps but he withstood it all.
his eyes were expressionless his face was a hollow mass of 1000 year old banyan tree his hands were shaking his mouth fumed with smoke
it was 4:00 AM he had two hours to decide
until now he never considered himself to be weak, he lit the umpteenth cigarette and looked down through the window of this 49th storeyed flat and laughed frivolously......

gibberish

2008-03-11T21:38:00.003+06:00

for once i shed my ego
for the lost friend
with time, my battle begins
for i have none at my hands
to win her again, i must
the 10 year itch hurts
gate of destiny never shuts
I remembered all along,
did she?
it is a small world
we met again
time had struck a vital blow
people change with the flow
i seek her company, not for love
but for reasons which are in the trove
all these years i had waited
lost you once never again

A First Step

2008-01-22T12:53:00.000+06:00

To say i love you i must learn to say 'I'
i am learning

2008-01-10T23:58:00.000+06:00

i need balance in my phone and i have just fifty odd bucks shucks
when i need the most it always happens

i am all fucked up :(

blood

2007-11-18T11:38:00.000+06:00

one more setback happened
i had decided to donate blood to the blood bank which is visiting my college. with a emotional heart :P
i went to donate it. after filling the forms and all crap stuff when it was my turn to meet the doctor she asked if i had any long term illness i said yes i had contacted jaundice when i was in 10th . i was infected for say 10 days. that's when she dropped the bombshell said 'anurag you can't give blood since u had jaundice you can't give it ever its a permanent deferral' i was shell shocked its like someone says 'you have aids ,
your goddamn fucking blood is infected you even can't give it to someone '
not even someday if someone close to me needs it i just can't

Public transport , an orgy

2007-11-12T21:55:00.000+06:00

At some point of time we all must have traveled by some public mode of transportation. lemme share with you some of my weirdo experiences

I was in class xii when this happened so here it goes
waiting on the station for the rickety chapra express on the lucknow station, the train was scheduled to arrive at 6 30 am but after some time they announced the train was late by an hour i was dejected. thanks to the booming population i had to sit on my suitcase . I was a bit senti as i had left my home early in the morning then i saw this poor girl must be around 7 (the same age i was packed off to school) and as i was looking at her she came to me to ask for money i didn't know what to do so i hushed her away on the pretext of buying water. when i came back she was doing her usuall rounds going to people. my eyes couldn't leave her, everyone shooed her . it was just too much already my eyes were half watery (how ever tough u may be but when u leave home your eyes do get wet ) i went to her and gave her 50 bucks and came back sat on my suitcase fished out a book from my rucksack.
after say 10 minutes there were 10 kids surrounding me !!
what next u can imagine

six months later
while returning from mumbai i was sitting next to this very cute girl we got into a small talk and somehow the hours felt like minutes then something happened i fail to understand even today something i said or something i did she said ' what are you hitting at i am married' and poor me i was hell embarrassed Kodak moment for sure

i was traveling in a bus with my sister she was at the window seat i beside her and next to me was a woman wearing a burqa with a toddler in her arms halfway through the journey her head would fall on my shoulder i was so exasperated but didn't have the guts to say anything my sister saw this and the next time her head touched my shoulder my sister pushed her away and gave her such looks only 2 women can understand perhaps but thanks to her that woman stayed inches away from me.

I was in a bus with a friend returning from world book fair when a drunkard boarded the bus . a group of fellow passengers threw him out from the window while the bus was gaining speed for a second i was like what the hell but then i started to laugh at the scenario

Traveling in bus i was sitting on the last seat. unfortunately i got a seat ,anyway after sometime a group of women boarded the bus . one sat next to me there was place for one the second one squeezed in between chalo theek hai afterall its india and the third one sat on my lap !! i said " hello, you are sitting on my lap please do you mind" she said "i am not sitting over you" absolutly hilarious then i tried to wiggle out of my seat but you know buses in delhi i couldn't move an inch some of my friends saw this and started laughing uncontrollably instead of helping me out. finally i managed to move out and then the guts of that damn woman she actually thanked me for giving her my seat and even said nowadays we don't find people like me who would leave a seat for a woman . like hell i would or care nevertheless i decided next time someone pulls this type of crap i will give it straight back to that person

another incident while in bus we were returning from auto expo 2007 and were in high spirits as our stop was coming closer we decided to move towards the gate. in the process one of my friends accidentally tripped on a girls dupatta and fell over her and her mother became so hysterical cursing us. we were hoping she wouldn't create a bigger scene and gather a crowd duly apologized and left

I was returning from my relatives place so took an auto till college thinking its time i say goodbye to buses but no my fate has something else planned a damn eunuch stopped the auto and sat next to me. i was like huh ok . he/she asked me what the time was i took out my cell and told the time. the next request was can i use your cell i have to make one local call i politely declined said i don't have much balance. next 10 seconds were crucial i was contemplating what to do and the next thing which happened was he/she grabbed my hand! i was shell shocked immediately i pulled back my hand he/she said "what's wrong in this " i said get away from me and i asked the auto driver to lessen the speed and jumped out
A Narrow Escape indeed

I was at the varanasi station going to board a train back to home on the over bridge i had a sky bag and a rucksack out of no where a group of eunuch es surrounded me and asked for money luck for me i took mom's advice and my walled had only few wads of currency i said i don't have anything. they started laughing and one of then said a few censored words
i just ran ran and ran and the people over there they saw i was surrounded but on one came to help me out damn this junta

hmm kaafi bore kar diya i guess
that's all for now lets see what the future holds :P

2007-09-20T11:14:00.000+06:00

lost in the milling crowd
i see a ray of light
with a promise of a beautiful morning
step by step and i stop
the oracle of night whispers
forbidding the bleak escape attempt
the dark temptation is overpowering
A third voice chants
do it now, shed those inhabitation s
or hold your peace forever
the earth is soft
my legs are weak ,they falter
i fall with a thump
with sand cushioning the blow
the darkness has me
the rising sun is inches away
is there hope?
all's lost ?
not yet not yet

time

2007-09-07T20:03:00.000+06:00

ah! wish i had completed those unfinished drafts earlier now there seems
like only eternal bliss could revamp them the age old virus " gaming bug"has
claimed its
new victim :( and totally at its mercy lets see.
but for now exams getting over tomorrow i am going home !!
a long time although this trip has been labeled by few people as
my 'kabab trip', i don't mind .
a much needed break from work :P next post coming up after the kebab trip

sweet nothings

2007-08-09T20:04:00.000+06:00

Knock knock! I woke up with a start thanks to a weird dream my mood was somewhat hazy. Rubbing my eyes I opened the door there stood a woman olive skinned in a saree out of the blue I was surprised but when she stated her purpose I allowed her in. As she began to comply to her chores I fell on my bed with a thump. This woman suddenly carved her way in my mind I looked at her again saw her face instantly her big pearly eyes caught my attention, her beautiful face it shone with innocence and a passion for living. She can’t have been older than me for there were no freckles or wrinkles. She looked at me with those big watery eyes I averted my gaze for it is not proper to stare at someone.
She sat next to my almirah looking aimlessly here and there once a while her eyes met mine as if questioning why me ? I don’t know what went into me but for that one instant I felt like exchanging places. “Let all her hardships be mine” I pleaded to god wondering if there’s one would he listen to me?
She asked me for water, if it had been up to me I myself would have served her water and would had forced her to rest god she looked so strained. Maybe she was oblivion to the face that her body is not meant for physical work. She asked again for water oh! I squealed I had been lost in my thoughts for too long I gave her the bottle and showed her the way to the water cooler.
Still feeling too lazy to get up my thoughts wandered what her life would be like. A thick line of Vermillion crowned her head she must have never known her childhood what’s there in her life how does she live in conditions which are so …. Not even describable

Had I been an artist I would have painted her
Had I been a photographer I would have shot her
I can see her face in flashes which are so random and out of the blue
My eyes search for her everyday just for one more glimpse

She’s a day laborer, she was ferrying cement and bricks for the air conditioner people in the hostel.

Its been two days since I have seen her.

If it means i am a chauvinist then perhaps i am for i can't see a woman work its simply not her job.

One day i will....

HER

2007-05-14T18:37:00.000+06:00

served its purpose

outburst

2007-05-12T17:24:00.000+06:00

i can't understand why are u saying sorry what for what have u done nothing. the fault is mine clearly i am in no league with you one says what he feels you have said for yourself perfect . this is a democratic country after all one has the right to speak his mind and if the other person doesn't like it he better debate but i agree with you completely totally and concluded its all my fault neither yours so quit saying sorry and one more thing i don't want your pity for heaven's sakes. u don't have to stoop to my level otherwise where is the all so godly distance so please don't embarrass yourself any more there is no need to after all who vouches for us lesser mortals in life people have only one thing open to them to choose with whom they want to associate , people have different paths such paths may meet at a point but not for long and if they do then its too crowded for them to walk they liberty, the freedom is lost u have chosen yours let me choose mine i plead insanity ...... at least let me have that

2007-05-11T00:51:00.001+06:00

the mercedes came to halt. i heaved a sigh not audible enough yet it could be felt . I opened the door got out looked around the hills which surrounded us,standing i the midst of the valley filled my heart with ovation. with a lump in my throat i opened the back door of the car my daughter was sleeping with her head in her lap as she was working on her lap top .the time has come, unexpectedly she woke up with a start to the cool breeze of what was going to be her home for the next 7 years . like father she'd be educated in a boarding school the very best i had decided ages ago and had dreaded this day but it was necessary .

solitude

2007-05-03T05:25:00.000+06:00

finally i have found a place where i can see the city lights, without being bothered by other people i can sit through hours and just look just watch just think about my life
my ways, my habbits my reflection and my integrity . well, living in noida that too in a hostel and to find such a secluded place is like an entrance through the pearly gates opened only for me.
the place is a heaven in night ,believe me purring of vehicles , lights of the highway shining bright i can see the guards but they can't see me although the place i am at is supposedly offlimits to students but since when have i given a damn to the rules !
i do it untill i think its wrong , anywaz the one question which still lingers my mind is whether i am a loner ?

i like being alone at times i like being alone because its only when i can hear myself i like being alone when i am tired of the world and its worldly ways
and nowi can't even see :P

PLEADING INSANITY !

2007-04-18T02:38:00.000+06:00

"gimme a chance at least please i beg you just this one time " i pleaded,"no anurag its like this you can't change you are and will be like this forever".
well what can i saay firstly i don't change for anyone not even for myself i am as i am and i am proud of that and isn't it derogatory to ask someone to change i didn't ask you to, then why do you ask me to.
i agree i am wrong sometimes but then that doesn't mean i am wrong all the time or does it does one action has to govern everything does that one isolated incident makes you feel so low about my character, that one evening i know i did very crazy rather stupid thing but then i can't feign remorse over something which i don't feel i can't i just can't . i thought she was more than a friend to me but her silent withdrawal left me perplexed.
i was told once and i have now understood however pure your integrity is no one in the world would care but the world will see your reputation and decisions will be passed irrespective of the fact that "the" person passing his judgement is capable or not
blasphemy no it isn't its the way the society functions i have understood it finally.
yesterday i was suggesting my friend that choose friends carefully and loadsa sermons on that stuff i thought i understood the blue blood of this society better than anyone else but i have also had my share of failures thank god i didn't fall in the group of artificial friendships in the first semester i almost had.

she once had asked me if i would help someone in distress i vividly remember my answer because it was such a question that thwarted me i had never thought on those line but the answer was pretty straight if that "individual" asks me then yes otherwise no although i am not an altruist. she was nonplussed as if i had done a crime. well she never understood me in the first place then how cani make her understand i can't i can't reason for people i can't fight their battles i am too much egoistic for that.
why do i have to fall in love with that person who understands me the least why whay ?? afterall the person who is so different from me
maybe its the being different thing which entices me i think she makes me complete in an odd sorta way she would complete me remove my flaws dare say i have many i don't indulge in self love but i am confident of myself usually stupidest reasons one can find i can't help them i had lost ages ago but my ego refused to face it and in the aftermath the destruction had begun
every time i saw her with someone else the dead snake would rise its not jealousy for heavens sake its apathy something which runs more deeper the desire to hurt myself grows i can't help it a victim or a sadist rather frustrated over something i can't have or the fact that loosing pisses me off more than anything could be anything
i can't live i this immature society any more I've lost it i have lost the will to live
yes i own up i say it to everyone who cares to listen i admit i have loved her since that first time she stood besides me the first time i saw those dreamy eyes
with a question in my eyes what if??

on these counts i plead insanity .......will it be mine
ain't i a good liar
if you have survived
ps: crap at 3:00am got nothing better to do maybe shashi tharoor will help me out

betrayed

2007-04-10T15:00:00.000+06:00

Have u ever liked someone sooo much, that u just couldn't tell them? have u ever had a sleepless night because u couldnt stop thinking about them? have u ever felt so lonely that u cryed urself to sleep? have u ever lost someone u loved and prayed every night for them to return? have u ever felt the need to hurt urself on the outside because u couldnt stand the hurt inside? if u have ever felt like this then join the club of broken and lost hearts
For once and all for you I can shed my narcissism
Believe me the only exception I ever made in my life
As wynand put it “love is all about making exceptions”.
That sure is true and I know it but no one will ever know it

how can you say betrayed when there was nothing
but yes betrayed coz for everything there aren't words somethings are not said they are just felt and when they are then they are meant to be understood
damn me how stupid shucks

INCOMPLETE

2007-04-07T03:33:00.000+06:00

nothing matters i am just phase, it just leaves a blemish mark on the memory
my dreams hallucinations
yes i am schizophrenic
its my world some day i'll also say 'I DO '

::WOULD YOU::

Keep a secret if i told you one?
Hold my hand?
Study with me?
Cook for me?
Love me?
Date me?
Loan me some money?
Talk on the phone for hours?

::HAVE YOU EVER::

Lied to make me feel better?
Wanted to kiss me?
Wanted to kill me?
Broken my heart?
Thought I was unbearably annoying?
Hated me?
Wanted to tell me something but didn't?
Wondered about my sanity?
Wanted to do something to me?
Wanted to slap me?

::WHAT IF::

I died:
I kissed you:
I fell:
I lived next door to you:
I was drunk at a party:
I showed up at ur house unexpectedly:
I stole something:
I was murdered:
I was sleepy:
I cried:
I asked you to marry me: :P
I was hospitalized:

::CAN YOU::
forgive me....
understand me....
live for me....
hear me out....
pat my back....
kiss me on my forehead....
forgive me ....

already dead

2007-04-06T02:00:00.000+06:00

Life's short and I’m smoking it away,
who gives a damn, i'm dying anyway,
slowly, painfully, in this godforsaken ghetto
breath by breath, blow by blow

the red glow at the tip of my fingers
is the only thing alive, where gloom lingers
twisted in agony, by mandatory sacrifice
from the ashes, will a phoenix rise?

with my soul at stake, the dice rolls
in the fabric of reason, there are gaping holes
with every puff, a fleeting moment of bliss
what's the use, life has lost it's fizz

my bastion of principles, is riddled with holes
betrayed by society, compromised by moles
i fight a lost battle, to retain my hold
my soul haunts me, stand up for what you think, be bold.

i envy them, who traded their principles,
for gems, jewels and glittering metals
they live in comfort, oblivious of the world
for it was their soul they sold

Compromise it is then, but why

i pity them too, for that's not life
measely cogs, in the mechanized strife
die or be tied to a yoke,
death i choose, and so i smoke

betrayed by loved ones,
never was she mine,
offered my soul, ridiculed at mine
wonder where my narcissism is
yet again i smoke
is it the beginning of the end?
is the fate of albatross sealed?

DAMN!

2007-04-06T01:37:00.000+06:00

this is not my first blog but i'd rather
this blog is just for me and to vent out the stuff which is blobbing in me for some time nothing else pure anger expect nothing less